Some assholes, yesterday.
It’s pretty well accepted that picking on blonde brain-donors Jedward is like shooting fish in a barrel. So rich and luxuriant is the parody playing-field that it’s almost tempting to not bother at all; as if insulting and criticising Jedward was so easy it’s almost irony in itself to go through with it as it makes you look like a idiot for doing so. By critiquing Jedward, you were in fact critiquing your own intellect, with neither coming out of it too brilliantly.
Jedward arrived and, like Las Ketchup or that HORNY HORNY HORNY song, it was business as usual: the downward trajectory of pop music continued on it’s flaming descent into the dogshit-stinking pits of brutal hell with reprehensible scum-sucker Louis Walsh at the helm. They were another pair of saps; fodder for the media Coliseum to be trotted out and waved at before being torn to slimy, bloodied shreds once they oversaturated and people got fucking sick of them. Which wouldn’t take long judging by their ratio of intentionally irritating gimmickry to talent.
Except Jedward came with an interesting distinction, the Hater Clause. For those of you who pretend you havn’t heard this word, “hater” is something stupid people use to nullify and otherwise dillute any dissenting voice or critical accusation directed at them. It comes packaged in this slack-jawed phrase, “haters gonna hate“, a well-worn meme that first appeared in the pop song “Playas Gon’ Play” by 3LW in the year 2000. Essentially this retort can be used completely without any context or other qualifying statement to undermine any negative appraisal levelled at Jedwards – or anyone else’s – shiny little boots.
Which is fine, and Jedward are obviously drooling cretins being laughed at for their 15 minutes and creaming in a few quid which they will probably turn into drug or property habits down the line. Kids enjoy their high-fiving and jumping around and I’m okay with that. What I find objectionable is their brass-necked ‘you’re just jealous‘ mindset and what children seem to be taking from it. It’s fine to be positive, but you can’t just disregard all criticism! How else can you learn that you are, in fact, fucking shit at something. If you kept trying to perform simple surgery but your patients kept dying, would you just keep scalpelling on regardless? If you read out a poem you wrote in class and your English teacher immediately began crying tears of frustration and remorse before blowing his own face off with a shotgun right in front of you, would you wipe his guts off your copybook and continue down the poetry road unabated?
Life is like a beautiful lasagne, with layers of wheaty time and meaty space in a spicy free will sauce. Conversely John, Edward and their management feel that life is more like a big fat floppy sausage, made completely out of egotism. You stick this sausage in people’s faces all the time and if they don’t like the sausage they are wrong and bad and they really just want to eat the sausage, not the stupid lasagne. If they say they don’t like the sausage, you know that really everyone loves the sausage and that the only reason someone would say that they didn’t like the sausage is that they actually wanted a sausage of their own but couldn’t have one. All day long everyone loves sausage. Look at my big floppy sausage and love it.
I’m getting a little off topic here. Basically fuck Jedward, they are a pair of bastards.
12 comments
River says:
Jul 4, 2012
I think you haven’t done any research before writing this article since Nov 2009.
John and Edward are two of the nicest and hardest working lads in showbiz.
They are both multi-talented and very good at what they do.
What they do is: pop music, 3 number 1 albums (in Ireland, but Irish record label, Young Love has charted in Sweden, Germany, UK etc despite UMI having NO promo budget there) Concerts, LOADS of them! Irish tours, UK Tours, Germany, Sweden, Estonia, Finland, Austria. About 7 TV shows of their own, two now getting a 2nd series. Eurovision twice. Film, direct and edit their own music videos about 5 now. Design their own stage costumes and staging for concerts. Had 3 pantomimes written round them to star in, people fly into Dublin from all over the world. They are both excellent photographic models and photographers.
You have no idea what you are writing about. The twins carry on despite death threats, seriously death threats, articles like this and say nothing at all about any of it, it’s all about the fans for them. Cher Lloyd sings songs about her H8ters though if you want to comment on an artist who does actually comments on the hate they get.
Juliet says:
Jul 4, 2012
Jedward have had 3 albums go straight into the chart at Number one, and are charting all over Europe, they direct and edit their own videos, have a fan base of just over 600, 000 and are just breaking East Asia and the USA. They also have their own TV shows, currently one in Ireland and two in the UK. They sell out gigs all over the world and People fly from all over the world to see them perform. They were named and the biggest charity ambassadors of Ireland due to their tireless work with the Ispcc and other children charities. …
..and you think they should give that up just because you and few other closed minded musical snobs think they are shit! Yes, they are quirky and unsual and they don’t conform to most peoples ideas of what they “should” be, but there was a time when being different was admired, not ridiculed…maybe you should open your mind and really look at these boys and what they’ve achieved at just twenty years of age…because if you don’t think they have talent, then you don’t have a clue!
Kim T says:
Jul 4, 2012
*Coliseum. That’s all.
Barry English says:
Jul 4, 2012
Thanks! Got it
Abbie says:
Jul 4, 2012
All this would be fine, were they shit. Their most recent album is my favourite of the year, by a long way. I really, really like their music.
You don’t have to like them. You really don’t. It is possible to ignore them, unless you live in Ireland. You could get on with your life.
But the hate they get makes it really, incredibly difficult for the people who do like them. The number of times I hear and read that Jedward fans are just obviously stupid and / or young (as though this is a problem) is mind-blowing. People slag them off constantly in front of me, because they presume that because I have a brain, I must hate them. (The fact that they’re talking about them at all should tell them something, but that’s a whole other thing).
People with brains get over it when they don’t get something that other people like. People with brains live and let live. Some people with brains actually genuinely like Jedward’s music / tv shows / entertainment value. Some don’t.
People with brains understand that those with a passion for something who work hard at it get better, and that no-one is inherently ‘shit’ at anything and suggesting as much is just asking the vast majority of us who aren’t brilliant to give up, which would be a fucking shit world to live in.
You’re not a hater. You’re just an idiot.
Barry English says:
Jul 4, 2012
Just listening to their “Girl Like You” song. Are you saying I’m an idiot for hating it? Because I really hate it, it’s absolutely awful.
River says:
Jul 4, 2012
Barry that just means you don’t like it, that doesn’t actually mean it is shit especially if other people do like it. Some people own and enjoy waily jazz albums that I consider sound torture. Fortunately there are many different musical styles for us all to enjoy, or not.
There are actually quite a lot of different styles on the young love album, even a country song which I actually adore!
As someone who does appreciate Jedward and their many talents it does get tedious when other people just assume you agree with them that Jedward are the definition of a quantum of talent.
You’re haters argument is falling flat because you don’t like sausages you have concluded all sausages are shit. Some people might genuinely prefer sausages to lasagne, doesn’t mean the lasagne was at fault just that some people weren’t in the mood.
Or as John from Jedward once said some people like strawberries some people like bananas. That doesn’t actually mean there is anything wrong with bananas just that some people don’t like them.
River says:
Jul 4, 2012
Drat typo.
Conor O'Toole says:
Jul 4, 2012
ok everyone, conor here the editor, a couple of clarifications.
wearenoise.com “covers” music in a broad sense. what kind of music? the kind that the people who write for the site are into.
you’d probably be right in thinking that not too many jedward fans log on here on a daily basis. we do not cover celebrities, rather
bands and people who make music. you’ll excuse us for omitting jedward up to now on that basis (despite their record-breaking sales figures).
we do not routinely lambast bands or musicians. just this week, there was this …
http://wearenoise.com/index.php/2012/07/eat-my-noise-production-present-avolution-curtis-auditorium-cork-school-of-music-30-06-12/
and this
http://wearenoise.com/index.php/2012/07/bowerbird-triskel-christchurch-cork-30-06-12/,
both extremely complimentary live reviews. and not too long ago, barry himself wrote this glowing review of the new ep by a cork band.
http://wearenoise.com/index.php/2012/05/hush-war-cry-voices/
so can we please knock that notion on the head that we’re all about hating. there’s plenty of great music being made out there, we think.
second point, i’m all for jedward getting behind anti-bullying campaigns and whatnot, good for them, but can anyone in this thread deal with barry’s main
point about their musical merit, without resorting to sales figures? because all that does really is prove they’re good at selling, not good at music.
we’re all for debate around here, but let’s deal with the issues that are being put forward.
Robyn says:
Jul 4, 2012
So, the main point of this post seems to be that Jedward are only successful because they refuse to accept how rubbish they are. Yet the author hasn’t done a particularly convincing job of outlining exactly why Jedward are rubbish, or indeed why this state of alleged rubbishness should preclude John and Edward from enjoying a successful career.
Jedward aren’t like the abovementioned killer surgeon or the uninspiring poet. Their music doesn’t cause negative reactions in their fans. Rather, their fans really enjoy listening to it. People go to Jedward concerts so they can dance to the songs live.
If you don’t like cheerful, sugary pop, then you will probably not find anything to enjoy in Jedward’s latest album. But if you do, then it might very well put a smile on your face. John and Edward aren’t going for a lowest-common-denominator, one-size-fits-all pop for the masses. They’ve just made an album they like and that their fans like.
Chris says:
Jul 6, 2012
Does anyone have the count on how many of the 30+ songs that span 3 albums are written by Jedward? One. One that was a co-write with 3/4 other writers and not even a single at that.
These boys are a marketing executives wet dream, of that there is no doubt. But their musicality is non-existant, which is made abundantly clear to anyone who has had the misfortune of hearing them ‘perform’. If you want to talk sales and raw figures, why don’t we call the Big Mac the culinary pinnacle of the 21st century? Why not call cigarettes the worlds favourte pastime?
River: you seem to have missed out on one tiny detail in Barry’s article regarding the Dennys vs. Dolmio debacle. IT’S A METAPHOR. But then again I couldn’t expect a fan of this band to appreciate anything with more than one dimension.
This act are the perfect advertisement for the world we live in today. A world of instant gratification, self obsession and ultimately tyranny by way of ignorance. Why use words to form a sentence and express yourself when LOL will do? Why accept a division of opinion when you have charming alpha-numeric phrases like H8ER? Why work hard at live performance, building a CV and body of work independently when PR stunts and clever marketing pave you a golden path? Why spend years learning to sing, perform and develop as an artist when producers and vocal tuning software can do the work for you? Why listen to a piece of music composed and performed by an artist when you these raving and drooling morons ‘singing’ songs with as much lyrical depth as the pit of a rancid outhouse?
On an interesting final note: on one side we have Barry who is a fantastically talented and very respected musician and writer in both the local and national music scene discussing this bands musicality or there lack of and we a couple of anons who don’t even broach the subject of the bands creative output musically (subject of the article) and instead cite facts they couldn’t substantiate, figures that mean nothing and take a rather simple and hilarious food metaphor as being something quite literal. Sorry for the run on sentence.
Lads, ye deserve Jedward and they deserve you.
Barrytron says:
Jul 9, 2012
Ha nice one Chris, thanks for the support!