It’s pretty well accepted that picking on blonde brain-donors Jedward is like shooting fish in a barrel. So rich and luxuriant is the parody playing-field that it’s almost tempting to not bother at all; as if insulting and criticising Jedward was so easy it’s almost irony in itself to go through with it as it makes you look like a idiot for doing so. By critiquing Jedward, you were in fact critiquing your own intellect, with neither coming out of it too brilliantly.
Jedward arrived and, like Las Ketchup or that HORNY HORNY HORNY song, it was business as usual: the downward trajectory of pop music continued on it’s flaming descent into the dogshit-stinking pits of brutal hell with reprehensible scum-sucker Louis Walsh at the helm. They were another pair of saps; fodder for the media Coliseum to be trotted out and waved at before being torn to slimy, bloodied shreds once they oversaturated and people got fucking sick of them. Which wouldn’t take long judging by their ratio of intentionally irritating gimmickry to talent.
Except Jedward came with an interesting distinction, the Hater Clause. For those of you who pretend you havn’t heard this word, “hater” is something stupid people use to nullify and otherwise dillute any dissenting voice or critical accusation directed at them. It comes packaged in this slack-jawed phrase, “haters gonna hate“, a well-worn meme that first appeared in the pop song “Playas Gon’ Play” by 3LW in the year 2000. Essentially this retort can be used completely without any context or other qualifying statement to undermine any negative appraisal levelled at Jedwards – or anyone else’s – shiny little boots.
Which is fine, and Jedward are obviously drooling cretins being laughed at for their 15 minutes and creaming in a few quid which they will probably turn into drug or property habits down the line. Kids enjoy their high-fiving and jumping around and I’m okay with that. What I find objectionable is their brass-necked ‘you’re just jealous‘ mindset and what children seem to be taking from it. It’s fine to be positive, but you can’t just disregard all criticism! How else can you learn that you are, in fact, fucking shit at something. If you kept trying to perform simple surgery but your patients kept dying, would you just keep scalpelling on regardless? If you read out a poem you wrote in class and your English teacher immediately began crying tears of frustration and remorse before blowing his own face off with a shotgun right in front of you, would you wipe his guts off your copybook and continue down the poetry road unabated?
Life is like a beautiful lasagne, with layers of wheaty time and meaty space in a spicy free will sauce. Conversely John, Edward and their management feel that life is more like a big fat floppy sausage, made completely out of egotism. You stick this sausage in people’s faces all the time and if they don’t like the sausage they are wrong and bad and they really just want to eat the sausage, not the stupid lasagne. If they say they don’t like the sausage, you know that really everyone loves the sausage and that the only reason someone would say that they didn’t like the sausage is that they actually wanted a sausage of their own but couldn’t have one. All day long everyone loves sausage. Look at my big floppy sausage and love it.
I’m getting a little off topic here. Basically fuck Jedward, they are a pair of bastards.